Bottom Of the Barrel

What is at the bottom of the barrel? I'm not sure that I have been there, but I know I've been close. I have smelled the brimstone neath my claws. I don't know what lies below that, and I don't want to. Every father wishes that his children forgo the mistakes he has made. I'm no different. If I had a magic wand, I would surely wave it now over all of them. I don't have a magic wand. All I have are my words, my experience, my story to tell. I am lucky to have lived to tell it. I will be even more lucky if it is heard.

Once upon a time your Pappy was another man, much different than the one you have known. You would not like him very much. He was a fighter, an abuser of women, a drug fiend. He went down all the wrong roads and thought he was having so much fun. If I am dead when you read this, it is what I deserve. I have taken all the steps necessary to hasten that inevitable day. I only hope that you can learn about the "bottom of the barrel" from me instead of going there for yourself.

In this short post, I want to talk to you about the drugs. They feel great, and they take your life from you. My drug of choice was cocaine in it's powdered form. There was a time in my life when money was no object, and I used it to purchase piles and piles of cocaine. I spent $3,000 - $5,000 every month on this drug for three years. You need to put that into perspective with your time. This was the 1990's. I didn't care about the money. I didn't care about anything but doing cocaine. It ruled my life, and it took me to the depths of despair.

After three years, I kicked the habit all by myself. I thought I had gotten off light, but the physical effects caught up to me. Afterwards I have experienced chronic depression, of which I have no control. My immune system has been altered and resulted in rheumatoid arthritis. My nervous system has been altered and left me with "ticks" that will not go away. My psychology has been weakened and left me with paranoid delusions. I did not get away with anything.

Where is the bottom of the barrel? I do not know. I am still digging, but I do know that if my children were to follow me here, it would be more than I could bear. If I can leave anything behind that would make this journey worthwhile, it would be the impact of my experience from which my children would learn. Keep your bodies whole. Respect what the great spirit has given you. Do not abuse your mind, your heart, your lungs, your spirit. I love you all with everything I am and wish nothing more than for you to never see the bottom of the barrel.

With All My Love,

Pappy