The Missionary Position

During the 20 years of my life in which I found myself sitting in church listening to a Christian bobble-head, behind the pulpit, puke forth his wisdom, I heard only one lesson that still makes some sense to me today. That would be that God will not judge men, women, and children, on the great day of reckoning, for that which they did not know during the course of their life on earth. For example, the naked savage who lived his or her life in the jungles of New Guinea, having never heard the name of Jesus, will have a much more pleasant meet and greet at the pearly gates, than the rebellious American party animal who had every opportunity to accept Christ but would not. 

This teaching falls under the doctrine of "Therefore to him who knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." James 4:17. So, those lucky bastards get to run around naked having sex with everyone in the village, their entire lives, and then escape the fire and brimstone of hell, because they didn't know any better, correct? This is the commonly understood theology held by Christians regarding culpability for sin.

This line of reasoning does sound logical, but it poses one hell of an issue for the Christian missionaries who invade the far flung corners of the earth in an effort to convert unlearned heathens to Jesus. If the targeted converts are all bound for the promised land prior to the missionary showing up to rescue them, what the hell is the real mission? If I were a Christian missionary, I might have to rethink my position.

Missionary: "How many people did I save today?"

Conscience: "Zero! They were all on the way to heaven before I presented my theology and took a giant shit in their proverbial soup!"

Missionary: "How many people did I send to hell today?" 

Conscience: "Everyone I talked to that didn't believe me."

With this in mind, I have even more reason to now believe that the missionary position really is lame in more ways than one. The Christian philosophy doubles back in this respect and collapses upon itself in the grandest way imaginable.